Poetry Journey #15

"Beneath the Hush of Moonlit Air" - Lush Language vs. Purple Prose

The Sophistication Trap

This week's poem:

Beneath the Hush of Moonlit Air

Beneath the hush of moonlit air,
One waits with skin laid bare.
A whispered sigh, a longing glance,
Two souls entwined in sacred dance.
A touch, a fire, slow and deep,
Tracing paths where secrets sleep.
Breath unravels, lips apart,
A rhythm claims the beating heart.
A moment lost, a world undone,
Two bodies burn, yet merge as one.
Between the tides of need and grace,
They find eternity's embrace.

My Reaction: This feels more sophisticated than my earlier work, but I'm worried it's trying too hard to sound "poetic."

What I Think Works:

• The rhythm is more controlled and musical

• "Beneath the hush of moonlit air" creates atmosphere

• The progression from anticipation to climax feels intentional

• Sensual without being explicit

What Makes Me Nervous:

• "Sacred dance" and "eternity's embrace" feel familiar

• Am I using elevated language to hide lack of originality?

• "Two bodies burn, yet merge as one" might be overwrought

• Is this purple prose masquerading as poetry?

Technical Elements:

• Consistent rhyme scheme (AABB)

• Regular metre that enhances the sensual rhythm

• Clear progression through the experience

The Big Question: Is this genuinely lyrical or just dressed-up cliché? I can't tell anymore.

What I'm Struggling With: Finding the line between beautiful language and overwrought language. When does lushness become purple?

Questions for Readers:

• Does this feel genuinely sensual or forced?

• Which phrases work and which feel overwrought?

• How do you write about intimacy without falling into romance novel language?

• Is "eternity's embrace" salvageable or should it go?